Hello Me....

At some point in life,  you start to figure out who you are apart from your family.  For some people this happens pretty early in life.  For me, it feels like its happening now.

I realize that growing up in a T1 household, there were just so many rules in place to keep my sister in control and the family organized.  And there was also such a big lesson about cause and effect that I learned at such a young age.  If my sister's diet wasn't right, there was a price to pay.  I remember so much yelling and screaming and fear when my sister would have an insulin reaction.  I know it really all came from fear, I felt the fear..but, it manifested itself in chaos.  I remember being worried that my mom would get fed up with it all and leave us.  She took a lot of fear and anger out on me.  I worried that an insulin reaction would make her mad.  And I am not the diabetic, so I can't speak for how my sister felt about it all.  I remember my mom getting SO mad at my dad if he was left to "babysit" us and he gave my sister the "wrong" thing.  Oh man, the consequences of that sucked!

So, the thing is, I developed coping skills to exist in this environment.  And they were significant coping skills.  And then at 18 I essentially left home and went off to college, never to really return except for summers.  My T1 sister was 15 at the time.  So, all of my memories are of what it was like to live in a family with a CHILD with T1.  And I was a child.  I am realizing that all my thoughts and methods of operating are stuck in time.  My sister, on the other hand, grew up and evolved with her disease.  She learned to gain increasing control over her own health and destiny.  She had to suffer all the consequences on her own as she left home on how to manage her disease.

But for me, I guess I never evolved.  I have been operating in my mind, with the same old broken record of coping skills that it took to be a child in a T1 household.  How to get attention in that environment, how to keep everything in control, how to worry.  I am an expert at worry!

So, today I am realizing that...today I am saying "Hello Me"....things have changed....its time to think of me for a while!