Games....

There is this little mind game I like to play with myself every so often.  I like to call it "Who has it worse".  I almost NEVER win this game.  I feel a bit exposed admitting this thought process of mine, but here goes...

Here is the objective of the game (as if its not obvious from the name..lol):  Determine what I am feeling (physically or mentally) and then compare it to other members in my family in an effort to see who has it worse. 

Ok, so here is an example.  There have been days when I am writing this blog that I think "sure B, you have these odd, lingering effects from growing up in a diabetic household, but you are not THE diabetic, so you lose, your feelings are not worthy.".  Or, when I think about the enormous responsibility it was to be the oldest child and have to babysit my T1 sister, I lose again, because i say "well, B, think about what your mother had to go through having ALL the responsibility".  It can play out in other ways too.  If I am sick.  Two years ago I had to have surgery to remove a kidney stone (and i was SUPER scared to have it done).  And in my mind, for a second I thought "oh, ok, do I win in my family on this one"....but, ultimately I know its not "enough" to ever compete with a lifelong, chronic illness like type 1 (and obviously, I don't want to......this is clearly a mental exercise....)

Its a weird thing to do, trust me, I know.  To always feel like I am not heard.  Or not 'enough'.  I mean, in the end, how can you compare ANY short term illness to T1? 

And then, I feel ashamed for these thoughts, for not being grateful enough for NOT having T1.

Sigh.......did I mention the "lingering effects of growing up in a T1 household?.......