Motivation....

A few years ago i trained for and ran the Chicago Marathon.  And for any one who has ever ran a marathon, you know there is a point (usually between mile 18-22) where you realize you either will or won't be able to continue running, and may have to start walking.  Its a decision that is SO mental and requires so much inner strength.

I thank my sister for being the source of my inner strength at my marathons.  I think about "tweets" or "blogs" of hers that I have read that discuss the honest, real, day to day pains in the ASS that go along with being a T1.  Or I think about how we all used to go trick or treating at halloween and she had to give all her candy to my brother and I and how unfair that is for a little kid.  And then I "decide" that I can keep going if she can deal with all of that.

My diabetic family has taught me that if they can do it, I can do it........

The other day, a friend of mine read my T1 sister's blog and he said to me "wow, she really keeps her A1C's TIGHT, impressive."  And I felt this sense of pride for my sister!!  Like, YEAH,,,that's MY sister!!  She makes me feel happy and motivated, because that is something that SHE did!!

So, just fyi, my sissy....I am proud of you!  Always.

Games....

There is this little mind game I like to play with myself every so often.  I like to call it "Who has it worse".  I almost NEVER win this game.  I feel a bit exposed admitting this thought process of mine, but here goes...

Here is the objective of the game (as if its not obvious from the name..lol):  Determine what I am feeling (physically or mentally) and then compare it to other members in my family in an effort to see who has it worse. 

Ok, so here is an example.  There have been days when I am writing this blog that I think "sure B, you have these odd, lingering effects from growing up in a diabetic household, but you are not THE diabetic, so you lose, your feelings are not worthy.".  Or, when I think about the enormous responsibility it was to be the oldest child and have to babysit my T1 sister, I lose again, because i say "well, B, think about what your mother had to go through having ALL the responsibility".  It can play out in other ways too.  If I am sick.  Two years ago I had to have surgery to remove a kidney stone (and i was SUPER scared to have it done).  And in my mind, for a second I thought "oh, ok, do I win in my family on this one"....but, ultimately I know its not "enough" to ever compete with a lifelong, chronic illness like type 1 (and obviously, I don't want to......this is clearly a mental exercise....)

Its a weird thing to do, trust me, I know.  To always feel like I am not heard.  Or not 'enough'.  I mean, in the end, how can you compare ANY short term illness to T1? 

And then, I feel ashamed for these thoughts, for not being grateful enough for NOT having T1.

Sigh.......did I mention the "lingering effects of growing up in a T1 household?.......